so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I want to be your penis for a week.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
