I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
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