I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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