chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
