the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
