Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
