i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
