I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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