My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
