I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
