whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
