There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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