I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I fill condoms, not promises.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
