$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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