In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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