Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
