I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Randomize
