i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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