GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
