toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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