Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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