420 ftw
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
he shaved USA in his pubs
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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