I accidentally burped into my bong.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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