I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
they're like a gay fantastic four
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
