That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
