Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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