normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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