dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
soo... how was my night?
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