I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Randomize
