Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Randomize
