Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
