He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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