the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
