ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
