I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize
