I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Come see our sink grown plant.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Randomize
