Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
