Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
