mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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