YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
