I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
