Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Randomize
