I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
