Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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