i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
As shirtless as possible
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
