i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
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