im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
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