I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Randomize
