I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
