he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
