Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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