just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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