Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
bring money and cleavage
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
