Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
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