How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
