Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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